How to Know If You’re a People Pleaser
Do you find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own, even at the expense of your well-being? Do you feel anxious at the thought of disappointing someone or saying "no"? These behaviors are often associated with people-pleasing, a pattern that can stem from anxiety, trauma, or a stress response known as "fawning." While wanting to be helpful and kind is natural, people-pleasing becomes problematic when it leaves you feeling drained, resentful, or disconnected from your own needs.
People-pleasing is often rooted in the fawn response, one of the four stress responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn). This response can develop as a coping mechanism for trauma, especially if you grew up in an environment where your emotional or physical safety depended on keeping others happy. Over time, you might have learned to avoid conflict and seek approval as a way to stay safe. While this served you in the past, it may now leave you feeling trapped in a cycle of over-commitment and self-neglect.
Some signs of people-pleasing include difficulty setting boundaries, constantly apologizing, saying "yes" when you want to say "no," and prioritizing others’ feelings over your own. Anxiety often plays a key role in maintaining these behaviors, as the fear of rejection or conflict can feel overwhelming. This can lead to a persistent need for external validation, making it hard to recognize and honor your own feelings and desires.
If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone, and change is possible. Awareness is the first step—acknowledging that these patterns may be tied to past trauma or anxiety can help you approach them with compassion rather than self-criticism. Working with a therapist, especially one experienced in trauma or stress responses, can help you break free from people-pleasing tendencies, learn healthy boundary-setting, and develop a stronger connection to your own needs. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s an act of self-respect, self preservation and healing.
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